Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year....and a much needed blog post!

So it's been a while.  I haven't forgotten you at all.  You have been on my mind for the past three months, but a lot has been going on.  Many good things, but many struggles as well.  Too often the past few months I have found myself doubting everything that I do as a professional and this has been beyond frustrating.  I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions, but today-with the assistance of my amazingly patient husband, I have decided that I must take control of how I feel, that only I am in charge of my emotions and that I cannot let others take that away from me.  I apologize for my ambiguity on this but out of professionalism I must truly keep much of this to myself.  If you are dying to know, please ask via email. 

At any rate, our job is hard.  So many times I feel that I am being pulled in 1,000 directions that at the end of the day I am not concerned about my own mental health but rather whatif I would have taught something a different way, would more students have done better on a particular assignment.  My husband has been working with me to really incorporate "me" time.  Even if that means watching an episode of whatever series we are working through on Netflix and just lounging for 43 minutes, or if it is going to the gym, I must remove myself from my thoughts that overflow my brain of "whatifs".  I seem to be plagued by the same minions that plagued one of my favorite poets, Shel Silverstein: 

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb ins school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start
to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Kinda dark, isn't it?  I know that I am not the only person that suffers from the Whatifs.  The only difference between me and Mr. Silverstein is that my Whatifs happen ALL DAY.  Non-stop....and it's more like "Whatif my students don't like me", "Whatif another student drops band". "What if I can't find a decent sub for next year"(more on that later)....just non.stop.whatifs.
So...what to do?  I'm not sure.  Just be kinder to myself and have confidence in my decisions and my 11 years of teaching, plus a master's degree (which means only so much) that what I am doing is right and good.  

Onward....I will be posting in the next few weeks about a cool project that I am working on that will be coinciding with the winter Olympics.  I'm positive that I am not the only band director out there that will be doing some sort of band Olympics, so if you have some ideas, shoot them my way!!